Praying for a Proper Post on Pope Prevost

The Wrap Network News team dissects what Leo’s Lexicon might look like

Agnostic about alliteration

A funny thing about alliteration. Advocates of alliteration associate assholes and illiterates annually, giving them annoying aneurisms. They do this agnostically, anonymously and unanimously.

Yes, that was a little forced. But here at Wrap Central, that’s what we do! Force our forced humor upon you, ram it down your throats ‘til it hurts, then do it again!

On to the pope

Moving on to today’s Wrap topic, it was on the day that white smoke soared over Vatican City that we and the Little Missus woke up in San Francisco after the previous evening’s late event in the City. We faced a ride back to our home in the East Bay when we learned of, then grew dismayed by, all the coverage of the new pontiff on CNN.

We enjoyed some of that coverage. We were interested to learn about the new pope’s background from the south side of Chicago, his 10-year stint in Peru, and a little of what it means that he hails from the Augustinian order. Then there was this bit about what it means for Pope Leo to have been a friar living throughout his theological career in and around busy urban areas rather than out in the rural areas making beer or wine as many monks in other Christian denominations do.

From there, we listened to all the so-called commentary from all the so-called experts. They went on. And on. And on. So on and on, in fact, that the coverage eventually grew oppressive, repetitive, obsessive, excessive, immoderate, intemperate, imprudent, overindulgent, unrestrained, uncontrolled, uncurbed, unbridled, extravagant, superfluous, extortionate, outrageous, undue, uncalled for and eventually unwarranted.

It was all pope, all of time! Is that really what keeps listeners riveted when a new pope comes to town?

Look folks. If that sort of thing works for CNN, we see no reason why it shouldn’t work for WNN, the Wrap Network News! Hence, for your entertainment, edification, education, elucidation and enigmatic, enima-imagination, we will remedy your passion for all pope all of the time with Remy, our Dachsund-Blue Heeler, who doubles as the Wrap Network News Team’s Vatican correspondent.

WNN gets pompous about the Pope

[WNN theme music builds, then fades. Studio lights come up on Fejj and Remy.]

Voice over:

“And now, live from Lafayette California, it’s Fejj Mubla with a WNN special report.”

Fejj:

“Welcome Wrapp-ees to this edition of Wrap Network News, where if it’s news to you, that’s news to us. Today you are in for a treat! Our Vatican City News correspondent, Remy the cattle-dog, is here with us to help make sense of Catholicism’s new big man on campus, Pope Leo XIV, formerly Cardinal Robert Prevost. Bob, as we have come to know him, is the church’s very first American pope. He happens to hail from the south side of Chicago.

So Remy, start us off here. What do you think this pope is going to mean to the 1.46 billion - that’s BILLION - ordained Catholics in the world?

Remy (singing):

“Well he’s bad, bad, Leroy Brown. Baddest Pope in the whole damn town. Badder than old King Kong. And meaner than a junkyard dog!

Ha, ha! Just kidding with you there Fejj. That’s just a little 1970’s era Pope humor for you.

Fejj:

“Not too shabby Remy! Your pitch was perfect! But all kidding aside, tell us what do you make of the new pontiff.

Remy:

“Not gonna lie to you Fejj. Like the dozens of other commentators you’ve probably been listening to all day, no one really knows a damn thing about Bobby P, which is what people called Robert Prevost back while growing up in Chicago. Fortunately, not knowing a damn thing has never stopped me from pontificating on pontiff matters. There is very little I am unable to infer, extrapolate, assume or interpret. I can draw on a tremendous amount doggy doo, tapping the barest of hints based on the very thin set of facts we have to go on.”

Fejj:

You know as well as me Remy that our viewers don’t really seem to mind a thin set of facts on which to base a very broad set of baseless predictions. Look who they voted into the White House for chrissakes! Twice!

So tell us what you got and what it all means.

Remy:

“Well, for example, Bob’s first remarks to the masses who welcomed him at St. Peter’s Square yesterday morning included this quote from St. Augustine: ‘For you, I am a bishop, with you, after all, I am a Christian.’

Now some of my colleagues in the media who regularly report on the Vatican say this reflects the idea that all the people in the church hierarchy – from leaders to everyday members – walk together.

Fejj:

I take it you have a different take then?

Remy:

“You bet! My take is damn! If he’s going to use a quote that doesn’t even add up to complete sentence, what good is he going to be helping the weak, the poor, and the disabled, who will look to him for spiritual inspiration? I mean what’s with the comma after every two words! Those commas are superfluous. The sentence is fragmented and hopelessly unrepeatable.

But let’s crack the code that is really in play here, ok? I think Bobby baby chose that quote for a very different reason Fejj! I think Bob, sorry, I mean Pope Leo, is signaling that the world is a jumbled, chaotic, unruly mess. And since half his followers are illiterate in the first place, what he is suggesting is they should just spread commas around whoever, wherever and however they can because let’s face it: If you use enough commas in a sentence - at least one of them is liable to fall in the right place!”

Fejj:

“Remy that is brilliant insight right there! Very incisive. You heard it here first folks on WNN!

But give us a little more Remy. How did you read Bob’s - sorry, I mean Pope Leo’s - body language during his first mass?”

Remy:

“I’m glad you asked me that Fejj, because now I’m truly into territory where I am most comfortable; this is to say a place where I can offer conjecture that cannot be fact checked, argued against or held against me.

Bobby, sorry Pope Leo, clearly conducted that mass with a steady voice and an open stance. His toes were pointed out, not in, his shoulders squared and not hunched. That kind ‘language’ tells me the pontiff is ideologically not on board with the American President, whose chaotic global agenda does not engender Christian values, nor the sensibilities imparted in the gospel by Jesus Christ.”

Fejj:

“Wow Remy! So much you’ve read there into the Pope’s body language! How do you do it?”

Remy:

“Just like you Fejj. I make shit up!”

And that’s your Wrap!